8th grade St. Ignatius girls' basketball...

...it's FANNNNNN-tastic.

I have a dilemma that needs solving and I'm going to ask for some advice. It cuts at the very root of my sports fan soul.

I have no NBA team to follow.

"Born along the polluted shores of the Cuyahoga river..." I didn't like basketball as a kid. I just didn't. I loved Mark Price, but when his career up and vanished like a fart in the wind, I just stopped watching altogether. The rest of the Cavs? Never got hooked like I did with the Browns, Indians and Buckeyes.

When my first good job offer out of college was to work for the Chicago Bulls, I jumped at the chance. I spent a good 2 1/2 years there and had a ton of fun even though the team was abysmal. I have remained friends with a few of the people that work there and go back to catch a few games from time to time.

People from Cleveland always used to ask me, "How can you work for the Bulls? How can you love that team after what Jordan did to us?" Well, he didn't do shit to me. Yes, it sucked having our collective stomachs punched in again (a recurring theme in the Cleveland sports scene since 1964.) But, to me, it wasn't quite like the Browns giving up "The Drive" to Elway or "The (Byner) Fumble."

I've often equated working for a front office to playing professional sports in this respect: career wise, you have to go where the best job is. It wasn't until I experienced this that I understood free agency completely. That's why I'm not working in sports anymore, I didn't want to leave Chicago. But it's also similar in that you get completely wrapped up in a team, whether you like it or not, and you can't help but root for them. You want to be a part of a championship, you want that ring, you want that huge bonus every year. In much the same way, I dumped the Columbus Crew of Major League Soccer the second I got an internship for D.C. United (okay, so it took a couple of weeks that time.) Point being, you just get overwhelmed.

With the way I left the Bulls and how I've been treated both personally and professionally by certain members of that organization since, I can no longer root for them. For one, I don't want the friends I have left getting championship rings while I sit there and say, "that could have been me." But I also can't go back to my hometown team after renouncing them the way I did. When I took the job with the Bulls I publicly slammed the Cavs and burned that bridge down. Let's be honest here for a second though. I didn't root for them as a kid, but I didn't exactly root against them either. They were still a Cleveland team, mind you. I just thought basketball was boring. Perhaps it was because I was a skinny little white kid.

Now I'm left without a basketball team to root for. Who should it be? If you want to make an argument for your team, I'd be glad to read them. For now, let's attempt to go through the NBA teams and see what we can come up with. I'll also, just for fun, put these teams in order by who I think has the most likely chance of winning the title this year.

1. San Antonio Spurs - I have a fraternity brother, Grilliot, that lives in SA and another that worships them, Levison. Seems like too much of a fair-weathered move.

2. Detroit Pistons - Nope. I hate all things Michigan, have we forgotten this?

3. Indiana Pacers - My friend Em works there, and she's a Buckeye fan so she is clearly trustworthy. I actually love how pathologically insane Ron Artest is. This is a possibility. Here is an excerpt from a recent Sports Guy article that made me love him even more:
(Highlight of my Clippers season so far: During a stoppage in the second half, Ron Artest was standing right near us by the 3-point line, with the name of his record album carved in the back of his head, of course. So somebody screamed out, "Hey Ron, I bought your album ... IT [STUNK]!!!!!" First, everyone giggled. Then we quickly realized that he might charge into the stands and inexplicably beat the hell out of one of us. So Ron turns around, searches the faces to see who yelled at him, finally finds the guy ... and gives him a big wink. High comedy. I like Ron Artest. He's my favorite NBA player who was ever suspended for a season for attacking a fan.)

4. Dallas Mavericks - Another fraternity brother - from TCU, who we call Calli - lives there. I do like Mark Cuban, although for stupid reasons. This is what you get when Joe Blow Sports Fan gets rich quicklyoff the dot com world and actually gets out before the market crashes. Possible team, though not likely.

5. Miami Heat - I love the Big Diesel and Wade is a Chicago boy. Still, I can't get behind anything from Florida.

6. Phoenix Suns - I have a buddy, Tic, that loves these clowns. Due to his extreme lack of self-control and tact, I can't bring myself to agree with him under any circumstances.

7. Cleveland Cavaliers - Already mentioned.
Warning: "His Airness" V. "King James" posting is in the works.

8. Minnesota Timberwolves - This could be the one. Wally "World" plays there so I'm naturally drawn. So sick of their inconsistency though. If Wally gets traded, as has been the rumor for years, this would be short lived too. (Random thought: Did anyone else notice that the two most famous, and recent, Miami sports figures have impossibly long and difficult to spell last names? Szczerbiak and Roethlisberger.)

9. LA Clippers - What? The Clippers at #9? Yup. But why would a Clevelander ever root for a team from LA or NY? Doesn't that go against the principals of every small market fan?

10. Philadelphia 76ers - Wow. Another potential team here. Always loved A.I. even though I typically can't stand the thugs of the NBA. (Seriously, name one superstar thug that has guided his team to a title. Can't do it, can you?) He played for the USA in the Olympics when no other superstar would and he always sells out his body for the good of the team. During my summer in D.C. I lived in Georgetown during the Sixers-Lakers finals. Good times.

11. Chicago Bulls - They are still my default team unless I am able to find a suitor. I think this team is still one year and one dominant scorer away from contending. Kudos to John Paxson for coming up with a brilliant plan and having the balls to stick to it.

12. Milwaukee Bucks - Ha. The land of cheese. Sorry buddy, I'm lactose intolerant.

13. Memphis Grizzlies - Did you know that the Grizzlies owners had two other cities in mind when they were moving out of Canada? St. Louis and Chicago. Reinsdorf blocked the possibility of a second Chicago team even though they would have gotten buried and moved again anyways. The NBA blocked St. Louis for some reason. Saturated market I believe they said. Too bad, they'd have been the pick either way.

14. Denver Nuggets - John Elway. Nuf said. The Broncos traditionally have VERY hot cheerleaders, but we aren't talking about the Broncos here. I also hear the nickname for this place is Dudever so I'm assuming the girls may be hot, but there are far too few of them.

15. Washington Wizards - Another potential team since I lived in D.C., but they'd have a better shot if Mike had never come out of retirement to play there and they were still the called the Bullets.

16. Golden State Warriors - A bunch of chuckers. They don't actually play so much "basketball" as they do stand around and heave horrible shots up. It's players like this that have led to the downfall of the NBA as we know it.

17. New Jersey Nets - My friend from college, Jersey Sue, loves this team (clearly she is from there.) She adopted the Bulls when I worked for them, so I may have to adopt the Nets in return. This actually seems like a good choice, of course, until they move into NYC and I have to hate them for eternity.

18. Sacramento Kings - I like Peja. During the days when the Kings and Lakers used to battle it out, I always thought the Kings were a bunch of whiners. We don't like whiners. And yes, that says whiners, not winners. I understand that I don't root for any team that wins.

19. Orlando Magic - Again, Florida is out.

20. Utah Jazz - As if it wasn't bad enough that their top player ever (Karl Malone) is captain of the All-Whiney Bitch team, they now have Carlos Boozer, who stabbed a blind man in the back. Karma coming back to getcha jackass?

21. Houston Rockets - My best friend from college, Hacksaw, lives down there. However, I won't root for a team with a selfish, offense only guy (T-Mac) and an over-hyped Chinese guy.

22. Seattle Supersonics - I kinda dig the Pacific Northwest. Now if we could just get rid of some of the liberals, the women with hairy legs and the garage bands.

23. Portland Trailblazers - Jailblazers. When your team is a drug conviction away from not winning another game this season, you don't have my vote.

24. New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - Sorry, I'll never root for a team that abandons it's fans the way their owner did when they bolted from Charlotte.

25. LA Lakers - Gimme a break.
Although, another good comment from our friend the Sports Guy.
Next time you watch "Scarface," look for the disturbing parallels between Tony Montana's career and Kobe's career. It's borderline startling -- the meteoric rise of two superstars, followed by embarrassing trials, a healthy dose of egomania and paranoia, soul-selling turns for the worse (Manny's shocking death and the shocking Shaq trade), and the crazy symmetry of Tony's taking on an entire army of Sosa's soldiers by himself and Mamba's taking 40-45 shots a game for the 2005-06 Lakers with the worst supporting cast in the league. Is it too late to build a giant water fountain at the Staples Center for Kobe to fall into headfirst?

26. New York Knicks - Isiah sucks. Marbury sucks. Crawford and Curry suck and they are both complete idiots for not buying into the system and working hard for a couple of winners in Paxson and Skiles.

27. Charlotte Bobcats - I have no reason to love or hate this team. Hard to have an opinion of a club that just celebrated their one year anniversary.

28. Boston Celtics - Not a chance.

29. Atlanta Hawks - With me, that would bring the grand total of Hawks fans to 27. Bottom line: Atlanta sports fans are the worst in the world.

30. Toronto Raptors - Two words: Blame Canada.

So I've narrowed it down to:
Philadelphia
New Jersey
Minnesota
Indiana
Washington
Dallas