The Sixth Cents IV

It wasn't a very interesting week. No touchdown dances from Chad Johnson. No crazy drunk girls or psycho ex-girlfriend sitings. No World Cup drama to speak of, unless you count the guy selling the slips from the draw on eBay and possibly getting sued by FIFA. Here you go kids, the best I could come up with for my six cents...
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1. Easily the best story out of Houston this year
Standard practice with any company, no matter what the industry, is a yearly meeting with the big boss man to discuss the year that was, the upcoming year and also any individual goals that need to be set. (No, not that Big Boss Man, although, how fun would THAT be?) Last spring, apparently Astros Owner Drayton McLane asked starting pitcher Roy Oswalt what his goals were. The response? He wanted to own a bulldozer.

The deal: if Oswalt beat St. Louis in the NLCS, the Astros would help him achieve that goal. In October, Oswalt completely dismantled the Cardinals and yesterday McLane made good on his promise, delivering a $200,000 Caterpillar D6N XL bulldozer via flatbed tractor-trailer to the Minute Maid Ballpark parking lot, complete with a big red bow.

"There are going to be a lot of jealous people around where I live," Oswalt said. Like most of the state of Texas, Roy. Actually, I'm kinda jealous. I would love to drive a bulldozer.
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2. Polar Bear hatred
Some of you have probably clicked on my link to Deadspin.com. It's an absolutely off the wall sports news website that I thoroughly enjoy. Many of the things I write I about, I find on there or on ESPN. I've even had a story of mine published over there.

For some time they've been running a "best sports blog" feature where they give props to the best team related fan blogs. Lately, they've been running the anti-blogs and today was the Chicago Bears turn. Apparently while searching for these, they came across a dude who really hates polar bears. Like, actual polar bears. I've yet to find the video he's referring to, but it sounds as though a Japanese person visiting the zoo got mauled by a polar bear.

Here is the original post that made me pee my pants, Miles Davis style:

So it's about friggin' time the rest of the world clues in on why polar bears suck. I saw this episode on the hitler channel about them. They're one of the few animals out there that have no fear of humans. It said they don't run off like other animals, they'll come right up and devour you.

See, most times if you get a human around a critter, they'll race off. See: snakes. See: spiders. Polar bears? They couldn't care less. They'll come up and rip you apart without thinking twice. Mmm, yummy food!

Back to the video. That looks like another weirdo Japanese show. I thought the bear would break through the glass and rip her apart. Well, first it would rip apart the stuffed animal seal, then get pissed off because it was tricked, then go after the girl, the camera guy, the head of the aquarium, his family, his next door neighbors, etc.

It sucks because Coca Cola had that cute polar bear campaign several years ago. So now everyone thinks polar bears are cute and cuddily. The truth? Polar bears are SCARY, and they all need to be put down. Run them all over with the Deathmobile from Animal House. That'll show those cuddily fuckers who runs this place.

A couple of responses went like this:

1. What the fuck?... Do you live next to a population of polar bears? That's the most random, stupidest shit I've ever heard...

2. That was so fucking schizo and random, I shit my pants laughing so hard...You should start a shoot the polar bears website

To which the original poster said this:

A polar bear once asked me to let him cheat off me. He had a HUGE neck, so it would have been quite easy for him to crane his neck and peer over at my Geology exam while pretending to take his own (Rocks for Jocks is an awesome class. We had 400 people in it, including most of the football and basketball teams). I said no, I had busted my ass studying for this and I wasn't about to let some big furry shithead steal my glory. So what does he do? He has sex with my girlfriend. He later told me he did it not to spite me, but because he liked girls with junk in their trunk.

Yet another reason polar bears should be gathered up as little pups, tied in a large burlap sack, and then deposited in a gypsy caravan. Gypsies eat anything, and they always pay you with rainbows.
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3. NBA freak show face-off
We all know Ron Artest's past (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt Hot Heather) so I'm skipping all that. Recently he asked to be traded, stating that the Pacers would be better off without him. Now, realizing that it'll be tough to make a deal under the salary cap and that Larry Bird and Co. stood by him despite the melee that ensued at The Palace last fall, he wants to come back to the team.

Magic Johnson, who should probably have kept his fat ass out of it, chimed in saying that Artest doesn't deserve a second chance.

Not to be outdone, Artest, of course, responded. "Magic, should your wife give you another chance?"

Ouch.

I think I would like to change my answer to the "Who are the three people (dead or alive) that you'd like to have dinner with?" interview question. Ron Artest, Bobby Knight and Terrell Owens. Preferably all at the same table. And can we get some members of the media to join us?
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4. Playing for all the Chips - Take 3
Some of you may be surprised that I haven't mentioned the Fiesta Bowl yet. Don't fret. There will be a full preview next week and also likely a lengthy wrap-up after tOSU disposes of the drunken Irish.

After the early line was set at tOSU -6 1/2, it's already dropped to -4. Apparently the idiot Notre Dame fans think they are actually going to win this one. Interesting. Most of the experts seem to disagree, though, out of respect for Charlie Weis they seem to be saying that it will be close. Maybe it will be.

Personally, I say give the points. This has all the makings of a great game, but could very easily turn into an "I told you so." I originally said two touchdowns, but my actual prediction will come next week.
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5. Miracle On Ice (if none of the USA players keel over)
USA Hockey announced the roster for the upcoming Olympic games this February in Turin.

Although there are 12 first-time Olympians, the roster is a little over the hill. In fact, the average age of the team is over 31. Chris Chelios is 44. One of my favorite American hockey players, and current St. Louis Blues' forward, Keith Tkachuk made the roster despite missing most of this current season for three reasons. First, he was suspended for showing up to camp overweight. Then he missed a couple of games after getting hit in the stomach with a puck. Now he's out with a broken hand.

Back in 1980, Herb Brooks' squad had an average age of 21 and even those kids got banged up. Seems to me that we have a better chance of seeing one of these guy's limbs fall off than seeing them on the gold medal podium.
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6. Ohio sports report
The Miami hockey team is on brief hiatus for the holidays, but is standing pat at #2 in the country. They will play Rensselaer on the 29th and either tOSU or Holy Cross the following day depending on the outcome of both games. Go Skins!

The Browns continued to ruin our draft pick hopes by winning yet another game, 9-7 over the Raiders. In retrospect, beating Al Davis is always a good thing since he and Art Modell are butt-buddies. Good news: I found out that the Chicago Browns Backers watch the games every Sunday just two blocks from my house at the Cubby Bear. I think I'll watch the big games there from now on instead of with the Bungal fans at Gongolapad.

The Ohio State basketball programs are also doing well. The men are 7-0 and ranked #22 and #24 respectively in the Coaches and AP polls after beating a tough Iowa State team on the road. The Lady Bucks dropped to #7 after losing to the #3 LSU Tigers.

I'd like to state for the record, that the Cincinnasty Bungals have only five playoff wins in their entire history and no championships of any kind. Basically, even though they just clinched the AFC North, the Bengals still suck.